Lying here with my head on your chest,
I realize I’ve never felt so protected or at peace.
My head fits perfectly here with my ear pressed against you
I listen to the gallop of your gentle heartbeat.
And I close my eyes, not from weariness,
But rather the comfort I feel begging to be noticed.
It wants to be stolen away in jars for a later time
When I am alone and you will be missed.
But for now you are here and that is all I can ask
Right now I enjoy this perfect moment with you
But time will pass as it always does,
We cannot freeze it.
But I’ll capture this now before you must move.
I think I’m sick with grief
Or perhaps I’m just sick of it.
At any rate there’s a hole inside;
A chain that keeps me locked to the bed.
I long to run free and grow back out my wings,
But most of all I miss my freedom to write.
Because with this chain left my coping skills-
The flow of the pentameter and the rhythm of words
And rhyming was the first to leave.
Whether I’m sick with it or sick of it,
It binds me to my bed and makes me a slave.
Pains shoot up my organs as if I need a reminder
Of the ache that I feel.
The sharp throbbing in my head reminds me daily
Just what it is I’m dying of.
Sitting here alone grants me time to dwell
On how much I miss you
And even though you aren’t far now
I’ve never felt this lonely.
I pick up my phone to call anyone-
Really just to call you.
And I realize how alone I am as I curl up in the covers
And sink into the darkness of the universe skies
Watching the stars blink out their Morse code messages
Telling me how alone I truly am
Because no one sends me a message in the stars
So I’ll send one to myself
Like roses on Valentines Day
And pretend right now that I am not quite as lonely as I feel.
He calls me once again;
It kills me that he thinks he can win anytime-
That I will just come crawling back.
His presence is like the wind,
Sometimes here, sometimes not;
Sometimes helpful, sometimes wanting to be forgotten.
Flowers bloomed only to wither away,
Sun beating down on the garden.
He’s telling me now,
“I’m here to stay.”
I don’t believe him. I never will.
This is not the truth nor is it the Light.
His promises are hollow and will never make me well.
I fight on.
His voice grows dimmer as I choose to walk away and remind him-
He does not own me anymore. My flesh is mine.
His touch can leave.
For once I have the clock on my side;
My ally is Time.
This too shall pass, isn’t that what they always say?
So he too will go away and I will live to fight on.
My throat will hum then vocal chords will burst out in glorious song.
His call will be drowned out; he will return to the East like the wind
From whence it came.
He is the chess master and I was the pawn inside his game;
Alas! No more! He doesn’t control me.
I fight on.
Just give me a canvas
A brush
And some paints
With a little bit of time off and a little bit of space
And I promise you this-
I will finally make it through okay.
To know he’s watching me and only me
Is the greatest feeling in the world
When he stood on that blue fence and screamed my name
My thoughts were finally tamed.
And now he’s gone but I still know
He’d be in the same place this year
So I’ll hold back tears and carry on
As he watches from the best place he could be
And I know in my heart that although he isn’t here
He will always be with me.
I tell myself 2 and then
That always turns into 2:30 then three
I hate when this takes over
This fear that always controls me.
The first thing I’m gonna do when I cross the line
Is keep on running
Not too fast; not as fast I can.
Not without stealing glances;
And not without looking back.
But I have to get away before they take it all away
Make me go another time
Just keep running; hope they don’t see me
Gonna get away with just what is mine.
Oh how lovely it must be
To be nothing at all
Just a tree bending in the wind-
Not bending to the pressure
How darling to be nothing
But a flower
Sprouting under the rain
Flourishing in this weather.
If I steal all the best lines
From the world’s saddest songs
Maybe I shall feel a bit better
Too close to nothing yet too far
To be considered something
I will bleed this sadness out letter by letter
As the ink soaks the page
With regret and mixed joys
My blood will stay in my veins this time
Rain will fall instead to remind me that I still feel
Take the pain of others’ lyrics
And I will make their words mine.
Maybe then I will fade away
Into the beauty of being nothing-
Nothing at all.
With no pressure or pain weighing me down
The agony of something leaving
Allowing me to stand tall
For the rest of my life.
I miss you;
But that doesn’t even begin to describe the aching
Or in any way alleviate the constant weight
Stones are strapped onto my weary shoulders
And the cliffs remind me that there is inescapable death awaiting
And oceans are set there to tell us
That everything comes only to go
Because with every ebb there is a flow and with every life there is a death
And swamps just call to mind that nothing is truly clean
For inside perfection there’s always a mess
But none of this makes sense anymore
So I’m forced to sum it all up in three words
That will never have a solid resolution
And unlike the snow no blizzard can make this pure
Because I just wish you’d come like the rain so you’d be here
But all I’m left with is
I still miss you.
Chasing torments around my head;
Trying to picture you with someone else.
The idea is lightning through my veins
I want you to be all to myself.
Because it hurts to think about being alone
Yet hard to be with another guy
Done with the waiting and waiting
Finally ready to go; to take up our wings and fly.
You’re worth it all and every smile
Keeps putting you far in front of the rest
With every laugh and every talk
I’ve begun to realize a few things
One of them being that you’re the best.
Just tell me your jar is big enough to hold the oceans; tell me your love is strong enough to capture me and hold me. Tell me your strength can cover my weakness, and tell me your grace is sufficient for me. Tell me you’ll always be here.
Why am I asking for everything you already promised?
Sometimes at night, I have these little triumphs-
And I want to tell you so I run to grab my phone.
It’s then I realize that
You are no longer here to applaud me or be proud of me.
I miss that in the nights when I am happy again
When I’m strong enough again.
I am filled with happiness
Yet I’m flawed because I’m entirely sad.
How can this be?
The heart is an overflowing ocean of life
And the heart is a forest that is consumed by trees
So much to feel and so much room
My emotions have freedom to roam
One at a time but more likely all at once
They make this cramped space their home
Fighting to see who will win this time
Another battle commences every lonesome night
Negative versus positive; each flee to their side
My mind trying to decipher
What is wrong versus what is right.
Who will win each battle no one knows
Yet the decision remains mine alone
I crown the victor by my choices
It is I who set the conqueror on his throne.
Not me but the One who is within my soul
Gives me the power to make the best choice
He raises me over my circumstance
He gives me freedom
His gives me a voice.
Don’t think I’m ever going to get air again
There’s this suffocating tightness in my chest
The words on the screen mirror in my mind
Shouting and breaking
One last exhale stole my breath
A young fine man who belongs to one loving family
Why did he have to volunteer?
Sent overseas to fight for another country
All that is within has begun to fear.
His words ringing in my mind,
“I’m being deployed come end of may.”
What is there left around here now?
What is there to even say?
My mind throbs as his heart is breaking
Arms clung together
He is forever in my heart and on my mind
Come whatever
But tonight it hurts that he too must leave
So we pray once more and just trust
All we can do is believe.
God has a plan for this young man
And God has a plan for his life
God knows what he will face over there
No matter what
God understands our fight
So this hurts right now
And I struggle to get air
Just to stay alive
Yet he’s the one having to face this reality
He’s the one who will be fighting daily
Just to survive.
He is my hero, just like the last
But I pray that he gets the chance
To come home again
Because unlike my last Marine
He must return
His life must not meet an end
So far from us and far from me
Don’t want to wait any longer
Come what may we trust and believe
This time God will make us stronger.
You think you know me
Better than the rest
So let me in on a little secret-
Why am I depressed?
